Touch-Starved
by Wolvesta
Summary: Prompt: Buck is touch-starved


Buck wakes up on a rare day off. After trying for hours to fall asleep, he did, only to be woken up by his internal alarm clock. He just wants to sleep in and forget his problems. At least for a while.

Even if it's for an hour, he can't take waking up alone another day

He doesn't know what he's feeling this way, but he is. He doesn't even know what he is feeling. But he feels...alone is one thing. He knows he feels alone because he's all too familiar with the feeling. Buck turns in his bed and looks up at the ceiling. He can't help but think about what he's feeling.

All he has done is think...that's all he's done since going back to work.

It's been about a month since he went back to work with the 118. And he's been stuck on doing all the chores for the 118. He's been passed the chores of all the other members, but he's given them his 100% and took them without complaint. He prays to whoever is taking the time out of their heavenly existence that he can be let back on the team if he does his best.

I'm doing my best, but it's not enough

Buck takes a bone-deep breath that he felt throughout his body and his voice breaks as he exhales. He has nothing to do today, he never has anything to do.

Nor anyone to see

Maddie is busy at work, everyone is at work, and Christopher is at school. He's alone today.

Like he always is

He groans at the feeling of needing to go to the bathroom. He doesn't want to get up, he just wants to lie down and forget. But his body is screaming to go to the bathroom, so he does. He gets up, taking more effort than necessary. He rubs the sleep out of his face and eyes and goes to the bathroom. When he's done, he knows he should take a shower to at least maybe wake him up a little more, but all he wants to do is crawl back in bed and pull his comforter over his body and sleep. He wants to be wrapped up in a blanket, he wants to be warm.

All he's felt is the cold. It's warm outside, but all he feels is the cold.

He shakes his head to rid himself of the thoughts and forces himself to take a shower. He turns the temperature on high and takes comfort in the heat.

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After he takes a longer shower than necessary, he puts on a hoodie that is a size too big and some sweatpants. Once he's dressed, he stands in the middle of his apartment and looks around. He doesn't know what he should do. His apartment was clean but his fridge was empty, he should get something to eat, but he doesn't have the energy to step foot outside to do anything.

He opts for going to the couch and lying down on it. He turns on the TV and watches mindlessly. Tuning out the sounds of LA outside and the TV. He hears his phone ring, but he ignores it, opting for the silence that he's all too familiar with. He hears his phone ring and ring, but he silences it every time. It rings for the 5th time before Buck turns his phone off completely.

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Buck wakes up to frantic knocking on his front door. He groans at the thought of getting up from his semi-comfortable position from the couch. It feels nice to be on the couch because fo the warmth radiating from the back of the couch.

Why does the warmth feel so nice?

"Buck! Open the door!" Maddie? Buck gets up from the couch and opens the door to see Maddie with a determined but sad look on her face.

"Mads?" Buck asks, hunching over, the unexplainable exhaustion pulling at him. Maddie grabs his hand and it sends a jolt of warmth through his arm. He shudders upon the contact and almost sobs. Maddie lets go of his hand and Buck wants to scream at the loss of contact but Maddie only lets go to adjust her grip. She slides her arm into Buck's arm and leads him to her car.

"Where are we going?" asks Buck in the elevator on the way down.

"You are coming to my house and you are spending the night at my house tonight," Maddie says as they exit the elevator and enter her car. As soon as Buck has his seatbelt, Maddie drives to her house, not letting go of Buck's hand for even a second.

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"Why didn't you tell me it got this bad?" Maddie asked once Buck was settled on her couch. She set him on the couch, placed a weighted blanket around him and pushed a cup of hot chocolate with the mini marshmallows he loves so much.

"You were going through more important shit. You were going to therapy and were dealing with your shit. I didn't want to bother you any more than I already have." Buck says as tears well up in his eyes. He places his cup down on the table and covers his face with his hands. Shoulders shaking and quiet sobs are what's coming out of Buck. "Why am I feeling this way? I hate this!" Buck half shouts, his voice breaks at the end of the sentence.

"Evan...it's ok...just let it out," Maddie says as she places a hand on Buck's shoulder. Buck begins to fully sob at this point.

"I didn't want to hurt anyone!" Buck shouts as tears rush down his face. Maddie tells Buck to let it out but he can't: "It feels so bad..."

"That's ok," Maddie says as she runs her hand up and down Buck's back

"No it's not ok" Maddie slides her arm around Buck's shoulders and pulls him into her side while another hand holds his own.

"It's ok to feel this way. It's nothing to be ashamed about"

"I've been feeling this way for over a month" Maddie squeezes his hand in encouragement to continue and asks what he as been feeling. "I feel lost...and alone. I'm tired all the time and stress but anxious at the same time. And it takes so much of my effort to get out of bed in the morning. Hell I just wanted to lie in my bed this morning and forget everything"

"Oh Evan...you are just touch starved" and it was then that everything fell into place for him. He started feeling this way when the team isolated him from interacting with them. They don't look nor talk to him.

It's been a month since he touched another person

No one has touched him in a month

He tells Maddie his experiences the past month. Maddie just holds him tighter.

"Why did you tell anyone, Evan? It wouldn't have gotten this bad if you had told someone"

"They hate me, Maddie. Hen and Chim welcomed me back but Eddie...god Eddie hates me. He won't talk to me...and even if he does, he's going through his shit. He just told us that he's been street fighting and he said that he's getting help. I haven't seen him looking so carefree in a long time. I didn't want to bring him back down into a bad place. And Chimney, he's so sad about Hen being gone, I couldn't talk to him either"

"But you let me talk to you," says a voice from the door. They both look over and see Chimney standing there with his jacket in his hands. Maddie feels Buck tense at the sight of his teammate, but she only squeezes his shoulder and goes to greet her boyfriend. They make their way to Buck who was looking at the floor, curling himself more and more into the blanket. Maddie and Chim sit on both sides of him, Maddie taking one of his hands.

"I saw you needed to vent to someone. Cap is helping Eddie with his shit so I know you needed someone to talk to. And I sure as hell know you don't bring work home with you" Buck says and it makes Chim smile.

"I used to drive you here when you lived with Maddie, so I DID technically bring work home with me" this elicits a small smile from Buck. Buck is startled when Chim reaches out and grabs Buck's other hand.

"Hey, man thanks for listening to my shit. You're a great friend, and sorry if it seems that I've been ignoring you at the station. And just for the record, I don't hate you." Chim says squeezing

"You don't?" Buck asks hesitantly.

"No, besides I can't. You're my girlfriend's little brother. Pretty sure she'd kick my ass if I didn't like you" Maddie flicks him on the arm for his trouble. "Seriously though, you were there when I got out of surgery with that bar in my head, I'm here for you too Buck"

The rest of the night finds Chim, Maddie, and Buck on the couch watching Titanic with Buck yelling You let him go! During the finale.

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Something weird is going on

It must be an invasion of pod people...or Lizards...whatever it is, everyone is acting weird.

Buck walks into the station with Chimney who gave him a ride after last night. He's listening to music when he feels a hand on his bicep, he looks to the side and sees Chim squeezing his arm in a comforting manner. He looks up and sees Hen in civilian clothing standing by Bobby and Eddie. Buck is pulled towards them as Chimney leads.

Hen has been cleared to come back to the station.

LAFD and LAPD and the city council reviewed the footage and it was Evelyn who ran the red light.

Doesn't mean Hen feels any less guilty about it

Buck takes a chance and extends his hands out to Hen who immediately takes them, which throws Buck for a loop since she hadn't even acknowledged his existence for a month. Buck steadies himself as he tells her that they'll be there for her whenever she needs them and she squeezes his hands in response. What throws Buck off is when Hen throws her arms around him and brings him in for a hug, thanking him for everything. Afterward, Bobby said he could come out on a call to an ice-skating rink. While it was nice, that wasn't the weirdest part of this morning.

What made Buck so uneasy, was what happened later that day.

Everyone was coming off of the truck and began to unpack. When they all sat in the common area, Buck took his side of the couch intending to be by himself and listen to music. He feels himself relaxing when he feels the other side dip and warmth is next to him. He opens his eyes and sees Eddie.

Buck can feel his heart race a little

Eddie puts his hands up and silently asks if he can take Buck's headphones off. Buck says he can and Eddie slides the headphones off his head and they rest on his neck. Eddie keeps his hand on Buck's shoulder.

"Uh...hi?" Buck asks hesitantly. Eddie smiles slightly and begins to rub a small circle on the shoulder. Buck unconsciously leans into the touch.

"Come by the house later," Eddie says in a gentle tone that leaves no room for argument.

"Is Christopher ok?" there are several emotions that pass-through Eddie's eyes, but Buck can't get a read on them.

"He's going to be with abuela tonight. Please come by later" Buck notes the slight desperation in Eddie's eyes

"Sure, but I might need a ride," Buck says and Eddie says he'll take him.

The conversation is finished so Eddie puts the headphones back on, but he doesn't get up from the couch. Eddie pulls out the book he was reading and Buck felt his heart pick up when he felt Eddie leaning into him

So an invasion of pod people is out

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Buck finds himself on Eddie's couch after the shift. Buck is nursing a cup of hot apple cider in the spirit of Christmas coming soon. Buck looks up from the void he's been staring into his cup and sees Eddie on the phone with someone. He looks back into his cup and doesn't see Eddie until he's in front of him. Eddie gently takes the cup from Buck's hands and places it on the table next to them. Buck feels his heart racing as Eddie slips his hands into his own and pulls him up from the couch. Buck stares hesitantly down at Eddie and is startled when Eddie throws himself into Buck, wrapping his arms around him.

Buck instantly wraps his arms around Eddie when he feels tears on his shoulders. Buck pushes Eddie until he's looking at him in the eyes and Buck's heart breaks seeing the tears building and rushing down Eddie's face.

"Hey, what's the matter, Ed? Talk to me I'm here" Buck says as he wipes the tears away.

"That's the problem...you're here for me...but I wasn't there for you. I haven't been there for you lately, I shunned you from my life and Christopher's life. I'm such a dumbass..." Eddie laughs in a self-deprecating tone. "I've been getting help for the shit I'm going through, but I still held onto the anger I had towards you" Eddie feels Buck tense under his hands and rushes to fix what he meant. "I held on to anger that I thought was towards you but it was towards myself. Myself for being a coward for not admitting to myself how I feel about you." Buck's eyes widen slightly and his breathing hitches as Eddie slides his hands to come rest on Buck's neck. "I'm getting help, and I realized that I've let the grudge go on too long...Maddie told me what happened last night...god Buck I'm so sorry, why didn't you tell me anything?" Buck brings his hands and rests them on Eddie's forearms. Eddie used his hands to bring Buck's head to rest on his forehead.

"You seemed to be doing so well lately, I didn't want to bother you, I didn't want to put you back in a bad place."

"But you would rather be in one than tell me?"

"It hurt to see you in so much emotional pain, Ed, I know why you're mad at me, you thought I left you as Shannon did...but I left because I wanted to get back to you. I gave it my all and it still wasn't good enough to get back to you. I want you back..." Buck lets out a hard sob, "I just want you back"

Eddie lets out a soft sad laugh. " Dios mio, Buck please don't do this to yourself, I love you too much to see you in pain. You have me" Buck freezes

"What did you just say?" Buck asks pulling back slightly, desperately hoping that this wasn't a dream and he wasn't going to wake up in his bed alone again. Eddie lowers his eyes before taking steadying himself.

"I love you...I love you ok? Please don't say you don't have me because you do, I'm here" Eddie says as he reaches for Buck and pulls him in. "I'm here" Buck throws his arms around Eddie and they both cry.

"Eddie I love you too" Eddie just tightens his hold on Buck. Eddie then leads them to his bed in the room down the hall. Once they are settled into bed:

"Stop...no Eddie I don't-"

"Just shut up Evan, just let go for one night" Buck hesitates but nods. Eddie then pulls Buck closer to him. They lay there in the silence, but it's broken by Eddie.

"Evan...can I try something?" Buck murmurs a yes and he feels Eddie's soft yet calloused hands on his face. He's confused for a moment before feeling a pair of lips on his own. Buck's eyes widen a little before he feels Eddie begin to pull away. Buck immediately takes his hand and places it on Eddie's neck, pulling him back. Eddie's arms go under Buck's shoulders and pull him closer to him as hey kiss.

"I'm here Evan, I promise."

"I'm here too" They ended up squeezed together under Eddie's covers, not an inch between them and Eddie spent some time alternating between massaging Buck's leg or running his fingers through his hair.

"I never got any affection from my parents as a kid. My mother was cold and distant and my father would always blame me for shit that was never y fault. Maddie was the one who saw that I would get touch-starved and she would spend nights holding my hands or something, but it all stopped after she left." Eddie's movements stop and he tries to pull back but Buck grips his undershirt to prevent him from moving. "I know that things can be different now, but I went a whole month without touching something and no one talked to me or even touched me, even a high five would have helped me, but no one paid any attention to me" He feels Eddie tense but Buck only buries his face in Eddie's neck. "I know things are different now, I'm glad I have you" Eddie relaxes under the feeling of having Buck under him.

"You do...you do have me. I'll spend as long as forever to show you that you have me. I love you Evan" He feels Buck smile against his neck.

"I love you too"


End file.
